October 17, 2012
I haven’t been journaling as I need to. I haven’t been feeling great lately and life has seemed very negative, challenging, and depressing.
A couple nights ago, in a text, Mike told me that maybe God didn’t want us together. I absolutely broke!
I fight back the tears just remembering that conversation. It hurts so much to even think about it. It pains me to write the words! Write them I must – I need to let it all go.
I refuse, however, to let Mike go. I know now that this is what Bipolar Depression Disorder looks like.
I’m not sure if I can fully describe the impact of “hearing” him say those words. It was similar to the day that I was told my brother-n-law was dead. It hurt. I went from pain to anger very quickly. I feel I have been through and am willing to go through a lot for this man.
I texted him hatefully as my anger grew. Then it happened.
I told my niece that she needed to call him because he was talking about f*cking leaving me. (Ironically the same niece who later became the one behind the attempted charges on my husband who were thrown out.) I slammed my hand into the dryer. I walked back into my room and slammed the door so hard that the door frame fell off. I picked up a chair and threw it. I screamed. I slapped the wall. I cried uncontrollably. I screamed again.
I put on my shoes and jacket and I gathered the trash. I live on a farm down a long dirt road so I carried the trash all the way to the dumpster. I walked halfway back home. I sat down in the middle of the dirt road and I cried a little. Half heartbroken, half in shock.
I calmed myself again. Then I returned J’s flashlight. I went back out into the darkness. I sat in the middle of the road, and I prayed.
I quickly realized that I still very much loved Mike. I wasn’t angry anymore. I didn’t hate him. I prayed for a way to still be with him. I stayed outside until I became too cold. Then I walked inside and began cleaning my home.
Once I felt all the rage was out, I texted him. I didn’t expect him to respond. He did though. We texted all morning, talking things through.
My heart was heavy and I was fearful of my inner rage. I scared myself. I scared my niece. I scared Mike. I behaved like my mother and I felt ashamed.
Mike lovingly explained that he was only venting. He also pointed out that I wasn’t expressing anger in a healthy way. We discovered I have anger issues but he still loves me.
The following day we got an “OK” for me to move in with them. I would live in a motel to be with my daughter, but she has chosen to live with her “dad”. My heart is broken but my move is scheduled for October 28th.
The stories and poetry you will read in this blog are written and reposted from past events. Our journey is on an upward spiral at the moment and wonderful things are happening. This day to day journal is available for $5 and up Patrons at Patreon
Thank you so much for stopping by ~ Have a Super Blessed Day ~
~Johnny Love & Leesa Love